Yes, I know, I am on the topic of my breakup… AGAIN. But I need to sort my thoughts out. I can’t really speak to anyone… because I don’t see chance in explaining everything to them. It is/was a little complicated.
At the moment, it feels like I can’t breathe. I feel like sitting down and crying my eyes out (okay, which I did earlier at the office. Luckily no one heard or saw). For something that was special and was lost along the way, because I couldn’t deal with it. Yes, I couldn’t deal with it.
Anyways, my head knows what I did was the right thing for me… but my heart feels a little differently.
You know, there is a saying that says: “We accept the love we think we deserve“.
Read that again.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Eight words, but those eight words make us wonder what kind of love do we deserve? Do we deserve the kind of love, where a man beats up a woman? Do we deserve the kind of love, where a woman withholds the man from seeing his child? Do we deserve the kind of love, where two people are together but they cannot stand one another? Do we deserve the kind of love, where one partner cannot open up to another, because the other partner isn’t over someone else? Do we deserve the kind of love that makes us feel special when our partner finally bestows attention on us?
But – and maybe this is the fairy tale description of love – do we deserve the kind of love, where two people work together as partners? Where they are kind to one another, and you can see love in their eyes for one another. Where one understands what the other is going through and tries to help as best as they can. Where there is laughter and silliness. where they can indulge in one another, where there is understanding between one another, where they protect one another from the evils around them, where the kind of love resides that others wish for?
I saw the way my Dad looked at my Mom. There was love and kindness and he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. I’m not saying they were perfect, cause they had/have their faults, but the most important thing was there… love. Growing up… that’s all I wanted. To find someone who would find me fascinating and settle down with me, want me for me, my mind, my thoughts, my view on life, my soul, my independence, my stubbornness and not just for my body or for sex (although sex does count too, but it shouldn’t be the main thing, cause take sex away and what do you talk about?). Maybe it is too much to ask for? But at my age, the companionship and knowing someone is in my corner would be awesome to have and knowing I can do that for them in return is even more special.
But then there is that saying: “I deserve the kind of love that I keep trying to give everyone else” and “someday all the love you’ve given away will find it’s way back to you and it will finally stay“. These two quotes also say so much…
You know you have love to give, but does the person see it? Do they see that those “good morning” and “good night” or “be safe” messages mean something? Do they see your smile when you they walk into the room? Do they see the way you look at them when you are telling them something important? Or do they just take everything for granted? Knowing you’ll just always be there?
Being with a partner is not easy. We are only human after all and we all have our emotions and issues to work on and not everything is sunshine and roses. What the fairy tale didn’t tell you is that Snow White fought with her Prince Charming. Sleeping Beauty ignored her’s when he pissed her off. Cinderella lay awake at night over thinking everything she did.
I do hope to find love that will stay… someone who is there for me in the way I need them to be. I know I have a lot to offer the man who is brave enough (yes I say that tongue in cheek but you get the idea). I think I’ll give it some time though. And I have to build up the courage to put myself out there again. I didn’t really have that problem with him. With him it was easy… we met for drinks and it just clicked… something unique and something I didn’t experience before. Maybe one day, when I am not so sad, I’ll blog about it. But I’m going off-topic here… where was I… oh yes…
The answers are inside you. You know what kind of love you want and need and to find out what you REALLY want, just follow your guts. Eventually you’ll find what you are looking for. A woman has a sixth sense, which is a power that should be embraced and exercised when needed.