What kind of love do you deserve?

Yes, I know, I am on the topic of my breakup… AGAIN. But I need to sort my thoughts out. I can’t really speak to anyone… because I don’t see chance in explaining everything to them. It is/was a little complicated.

At the moment, it feels like I can’t breathe. I feel like sitting down and crying my eyes out (okay, which I did earlier at the office. Luckily no one heard or saw). For something that was special and was lost along the way, because I couldn’t deal with it. Yes, I couldn’t deal with it.

Anyways, my head knows what I did was the right thing for me…  but my heart feels a little differently.

You know, there is a saying that says: “We accept the love we think we deserve“.

Read that again.

We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Eight words, but those eight words make us wonder what kind of love do we deserve? Do we deserve the kind of love, where a man beats up a woman? Do we deserve the kind of love, where a woman withholds the man from seeing his child? Do we deserve the kind of love, where two people are together but they cannot stand one another? Do we deserve the kind of love, where one partner cannot open up to another, because the other partner isn’t over someone else? Do we deserve the kind of love that makes us feel special when our partner finally bestows attention on us?

But – and maybe this is the fairy tale description of love – do we deserve the kind of love, where two people work together as partners? Where they are kind to one another, and you can see love in their eyes for one another. Where one understands what the other is going through and tries to help as best as they can. Where there is laughter and silliness. where they can indulge in one another, where there is understanding between one another, where they protect one another from the evils around them, where the kind of love resides that others wish for?

I saw the way my Dad looked at my Mom. There was love and kindness and he wouldn’t let anyone hurt her. I’m not saying they were perfect, cause they had/have their faults, but the most important thing was there… love. Growing up… that’s all I wanted. To find someone who would find me fascinating and settle down with me, want me for me, my mind, my thoughts, my view on life, my soul, my independence, my stubbornness and not just for my body or for sex (although sex does count too, but it shouldn’t be the main thing, cause take sex away and what do you talk about?). Maybe it is too much to ask for? But at my age, the companionship and knowing someone is in my corner would be awesome to have and knowing I can do that for them in return is even more special.

But then there is that saying: “I deserve the kind of love that I keep trying to give everyone else” and “someday all the love you’ve given away will find it’s way back to you and it will finally stay“. These two quotes also say  so much…

You know you have love to give, but does the person see it? Do they see that those “good morning” and “good night” or “be safe” messages mean something? Do they see your smile when you they walk into the room? Do they see the way you look at them when you are telling them something important? Or do they just take everything for granted? Knowing you’ll just always be there?

Being with a partner is not easy. We are only human after all and we all have our emotions and issues to work on and not everything is sunshine and roses. What the fairy tale didn’t tell you is that Snow White fought with her Prince Charming. Sleeping Beauty ignored her’s when he pissed her off. Cinderella lay awake at night over thinking everything she did.

I do hope to find love that will stay… someone who is there for me in the way I need them to be. I know I have a lot to offer the man who is brave enough (yes I say that tongue in cheek but you get the idea). I think I’ll give it some time though. And I have to build up the courage to put myself out there again. I didn’t really have that problem with him. With him it was easy… we met for drinks and it just clicked… something unique and something I didn’t experience before. Maybe one day, when I am not so sad, I’ll blog about it. But I’m going off-topic here… where was I… oh yes…

The answers are inside you. You know what kind of love you want and need and to find out what you REALLY want, just follow your guts. Eventually you’ll find what you are looking for. A woman has a sixth sense, which is a power that should be embraced and exercised when needed.

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Subtweets…

Let’s look at a definition of the word:

Subtweet

Indirectly tweeting something about someone without mentioning their name. Even though their name is not mentioned, it is clear who the person tweeting is referring to.

_______________

Now when I started out with social media, I was not a fan of Twitter, but it has grown on me… a quick source for news, especially movie news and silly things really. But you also learn a lot there from people who go through things.

Anyways, I wanna speak about the subtweet today. It’s been something that I have been thinking about for a while.

So, I subtweet someone with a message “to” or “about” them, how will they know it is meant for them unless I tell them? How will they appreciate the tweet if they don’t know it is for them? What happens if they don’t stalk my profile everyday? Then they’ll miss the message and it whatever I wanted to say is lost to them.

The next problem is that I might be speaking to 10 other people who might think the tweet is for them? Especially if it is an intimate tweet (about feelings and stuff) and they think I like them cause I have shared intimate information with them (and I don’t mean naked selfies 🤣).

For example, let’s say I am a man who speaks to 10 women, all women know about my life, and know me outside of Twitter via WhatsApp. The know I am single but don’t know I am seeing someone. That someone is on Twitter and I subtweet them. Don’t the other women think it is for them?

It is a silly example but I am trying to make a point.

Surely a person shouldn’t be shy of what you want to tell or share with someone?

I feel if you want to tell me something then you use my handle so that I can be notified of your thoughts… don’t make me wonder if you are speaking about me or not. If the “good time” you had was thanks to me or not.

Be open with the people around you. They’ll appreciate it more.

Facebook memories

I’m sure most of us have profiles on Facebook. Some use the site to keep up with friends or family, others use it to stalk people (who would do that?), some use it to wish others a happy birthday (that’s me) and well some people use it to brag about their lives.

Me? Well I didn’t even have enough memories on it to make a 2018 video. 🤣

I hate that Facebook reminds you about posts and things you have posted. I mean for the last three years I’ve been dodging Facebook messages from September to November regarding Timothy’s accident and death. I feel that Facebook obviously thinks that I haven’t suffered enough and throw it in as a reminder, which just makes me sad.

Anyways the point of this post… Facebook did it again!

This morning, I log in and what should pop up? A clip about my memories from December 2018 and then there is a pic of “us”.

What a blow that was. I suppose I have to get used to that now… cause I posted a couple of pics of “us”.

**sigh**

**breathe**

Two posts today…

I know right? You just cannot get rid of me…

**breathe**

So, I broke up with him tonight. I said we could be friends and he said he would like to that, but I don’t think that’s gonna work out. It normally never does, cause men and women just can’t be friends, can they?

His birthday is on 15 March and I got him tickets to #RockontheLawn2019 featuring The Cure for the 16th. I was looking forward to it, cause Karen Zoid would be there and I’m sure she’d sing my song… or a couple of them at least. I’ve also been listening to The Cure and they’ve grown on me… I like their music.

Anyways, I told him he could take the tickets… even though I wanted to be the lass to go with him, but instead I’ve told him to take someone with who will appreciate it.

I feel heartbroken, even if I say so myself. But, I just couldn’t compete with his past, namely, his ex. I feel that I have given more than any other person would have given in the situation. Everyone that I speak to tells me they would have walked away a long time ago. Why didn’t I?

I can’t answer that. Except that I saw/experienced something. Potential. What life could be like…

Oh well…

And so life happens…

I get home at around 17:15 in the afternoon, but yesterday was different. There was lightning and thunder and about 15 minutes after getting home, a massive storm hit. I was still helping my Mom close the bedroom windows when a massive bolt of lightning struck and everything went dead.

Now anyone who knows me, knows how terrified of lightning I am. I stood dead still in the dark in the middle of the room. Like if I didn’t move the lightning couldn’t hurt me. After checking that my Mom was okay, I walked over to the mains and realized the plug switch was down as I put the main switch on a again. Oh crap! The plugs!

I put the plug switch on and started praying. The fridge, deep freeze, the microwave, the kettle all worked. The items in the rooms worked but the TV, DSTV and the rest of the entertainment system were gone. **insert facepalm here**

As you know, my mom is retired. She is at home and while at home the TV is on for company. That’s when she isn’t taking the dog for a walk or doing her crosswords. But at least it is background noise. So I have taken today off to sort everything out.

The neighours were also hit. Although they lost more than us… but this morning I called the insurance. I described everything to them. But they have to first give my claim to a consultant and that person will contact me by 21 January and then arrange for the goods to be picked up so that they can check if it is working or not and then see if they can repair it or if it should be replaced… **sigh**

Being me… I have taken things in my own hands cause I don’t have the patience for all the red tape. I got our small TV out, the DSTV people are coming out to tell me if the dish is okay and in the meantime I’ll just get DStv running so that my mom has her company during the day.

The rest can wait… for the insurance… for now.

PS the decoder did need to be replaced. R 1 500 later and we are back online. At least there is background noise now again. Oh and there is another storm on its way. I just pray it misses our house tonight.

Dealing with an ex…

11 January 2019 and this is how my Friday morning started:

07:28

Him: Mornin’ MsKat 😚

Me: Morning Sunshine ☀

Him: Assisting ex with medical emergency. Might be pinched nerve lower back. Getting ambulance to take her to Arwyp. I took little one to school. Ex can’t move.

Me: All the best with that. Hope it all works out.

09:25

Him: Now in Casualty.

Me: While you are at the hospital, go make your appointment with your cardiologist?

Him: Different hospital 😋

Me: Okay…

12:01

Him: I’m cancelling my trip. Ex being admitted. Taking care of little one. No visible damage on x-rays. Specialist coming in to do MRI etc. Dad’s disappointed…

Me:  Well of course he is disappointed… he is your Father after all. All the best with the rest of the hospital trip.

17:24

Him: With little one. Ex admitted. Awaiting results of MRI. Swam. Now watching new season of Big Bang Theory.

18:18

Him: Visiting hour’s 19:00. How was your day, My Kat?

18:41

Me:  My day was good thank you.

Me: I want to say something and you might be cross/miffed because I am saying this but I don’t need a blow-by-blow of your ex’s hospital visit. Just as she won’t want to know about mine. I appreciate you telling me you are busy, and I accept that but I don’t need to know more than that.

**end of messages**

And that’s when communication was not the same again. After I opened up that it irritated me that he kept me up to date about his ex’s (who I have NEVER met) condition.

But let’s start at the beginning shall we?

When I met him, it was a difficult situation. He was divorced (they were married for 12 years), but still lived with his ex due to financial constraints, but living at home gave him the necessary time to spend with his 12-year-old daughter. Then I came along. Most women would have run at that situation. In fact some did. I enjoyed his company and we weren’t gonna get serious. Fast Forward six months and he became an integral part of my life. He spent every weekend at my place and we went out and spoke about things and enjoyed one another. I knew she was always a factor, but then things changed.

On 1 December my car broke down. That was the same day Cell C lost signal and I could contact no-one, I could have contacted him, but he is also on Cell C. Finally a pawn shop gave me access to their phone and I could call for help as the car broke down in a dodgy area (but that’s another story). I had to go take photos at a 21st and that afternoon he got hold of me and asked what happened. I told him and he asked how I was getting home. I said an uber. He said he was coming to get me. I said no. It is your day with your kid. He then said he loves me and he will be there. He came to pick me up from the 21st and dropped me at home. He then went home and that’s when the ex climbed into him.

He called me and he was in a terrible state. So much, that I thought he was in a car accident. But, no… turns out she was pissed off. I got him calm and that Sunday, when I got home from church, he left to go meet the ex and the kid at the Dros. She told him that if he touches the divorce order, she’ll have him charged for assault and threatened him with the neighbours (who heard the argument) cause he has a history of PTSD. If he dares to impede the sale of the house (which she put up for sale two weeks before) she said that she would declare herself bankrupt, have the debt review passed on to him. He had nowhere to go, so I spoke to my Mom and he stayed with us for a week, till he could find a place.

Back to the present: 

So, now… for someone who has done all that to you, hurt you and sworn at you… and you still go help them… baffles me. Yes, there is a child and he has a responsibility to the child, but that’s where it should stop right? I know the ex has a sister in Pretoria and a mother. Could she not have called them to summon an ambulance and help her? Yes, call him to look after his kid, but you claim to be an independent woman, who wants to move to America and settle down there, who will help you when you have no-one? I came across two images this weekend, cause communication between him and I was not what it should be. But the gap gave me time to think.

The first image: 

 Thinking about it, a woman has a sixth sense and deep down, I know which option he falls under. He says it is because of the child, but I am not so sure. I know the child will always be a part of his life. I understand that. But, I don’t think I can deal with an ex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second image was: 

For my sanity I think I should end things. We can be friends, but NOTHING else. Maybe he isn’t the man for me. Let’s face it at my age, I know every person I meet will have baggage, but preferably the baggage won’t walk over them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, that’s my sad tale… I cannot compete with an ex and the history they have. Not when he is too much of a nice guy to always help her out. I have things to think about and a ton of work to do. Let’s hope I survive January.

xoxo

 

Love…

There are all kinds of love out there, which we have experienced and been told about. The love between a mother and her child, between siblings (although this can be a love/hate relationship, but that’s a story for another day), there is love between friends and then one day, someone comes along, enters your world and BOOM!

I know I haven’t been here for three years. Well tomorrow marks three years, but I need to speak. I need to get my thoughts out of my head and the only place I know where is here. My place. My space. My home. The place where I am not judged and where I can speak freely.

So, more than six months ago, I met someone. It has been complicated, however, he has been the first person that I haven’t gotten bored with. Someone who is intellectually brilliant and a caring person. Someone who… dare I say it?  Someone who I have deep feelings for. Someone who I love.

I know what you are thinking, but at 35 I have never had that… yeah sure, there have been beaus, but something this intense? NEVER.

But… life as we know it isn’t moonlight and roses. This past weekend, he did something. I would never have known about it if mutual friends didn’t inform me. I felt utterly betrayed with what he did.

Now my dilemma is… part of me says ‘stay and work on this’. The other part of me says ‘run little girl. RUN!’ I am so confused. I really am. The worst is that I had plans… for Christmas, his birthday, stuff like that. I am feeling utterly depressed and people are seeing it. He on the other hand has apologised and left the ball in my court on whether I want to proceed with the relationship or not. Which pisses me off even more, as I would like to have someone fight for me. As you all know, I am no damsel in distress, but sometimes, I need someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay, before I carry on slaying dragons.

So, here I am on a Friday night at 21:32 and I am typing up a storm. Because where do I go when I am having trouble? My blog. But, between you and me, I am thinking that LOVE HURTS…

‘I’m young, I know
But even so
I know a thing or two, I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, it burns you when it’s hot
Love hurts