A conversation about the past

Someone at the office asked me the other day how Phil was doing… I was taken aback.

I hadn’t heard his name in so long.

I replied: ‘Honestly, I don’t know. I broke up with him.’

Curious, my co-worker asked why.

I gave a short synopses, which I give everyone who asked:  “I broke up with Phil…  because I could not live with the fact that he was still so involved in his ex-wife’s life after he moved out.”

The co-worker replied: ‘Kat you are so selfish. Of course he has to be involved in his ex-wife’s life, she has a child with him.’

Immediately, I straightened up. “Listen co-worker, you cannot judge me on that. So many things happened behind the scenes that I NEVER told ANYONE about” (and my blog doesn’t count, I mean, no one reads it anymore.)

My co-worker said: “Why don’t you speak to someone?”

I don’t know if that was an invitation, but I spoke to her.

“You know why I decided to break up with Phil?” I asked.

“It wasn’t the ex-wife as much… no, it was that BETRAYAL during the December 2018 that started it all. Long story short, his ex-wife had kicked him out… I took him in… he found a place to live and the first weekend he was alone he propositioned someone else and I had to hear about it from a friend. THAT IS WHY I LEFT! I could not TRUST him anymore“.

“Oh Kat, I am so sorry,” my co-worker said with a sad look in her eye. She was pitying me… but I didn’t need pity.

It was never about being selfish… it was because the trust was gone and that made me second guess myself all the time. It made me second guess the time I had spent with him. It made me question everything I experienced with him… EVERYTHING.

It was that whole scenario, that made me lose my TRUST in him and once you lose that TRUST, you NEVER get it back.

I should have left then… but no, I wanted to hold on. You don’t break up with someone over Christmas.

However, in January, when that story with the ex and her back happened, well… that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

My thoughts today

It has been a year since I broke up with Phil (give or take few days more than a year), but I have peace in my heart with regard to the decision I took.

It has taken me a long time and I am not fully over it .. yet.

Eventually, I will be but I don’t think I can trust someone else with my heart.

It is going to take a long time before I put myself out there again… but maybe one-day, I’ll find the love that I am looking for.

Until then, I will go about my business, keep my head high and know that what I did for myself was priceless.

 

 

When you are old – WB Yeats

The first stanza of this poem was on a newsletter that I received today… it is a beautiful poem and I thought that I would share it here…

So William wrote the poem for his beloved… I changed the words because one day, someone will think of me like this… and all I’ll be is a distant memory…

Lizzie…

Our Lizzie had to be euthanised on Friday evening. My heart is broken. My Mom’s heart is broken. She was like a member of our little family and will be terribly missed.

The best dog ever, Lizzie

We love you Lizzie and will miss you tremendously ❤️❤️❤️

Tuesday Tune: Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Kom glimlag
Begin weer jou lewe geniet
Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Kom moeg, kom met my, kom misverstaan
Kom huistoe, kom alleen, kom vinnig, kom saam
Kom happy, kom hartseer, kom smile, kom traan
Kom winter, kom somer, kom sonskyn, kom maan
Kom met my, kom sonder, kom sober, kom klaar
Kom donker, kom skemer, kom daglig, kom vaak
Kom moeder, kom vader, kom suster, kom kind
Kom honger, kom huilend, kom verloor, kom gevind

Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Kom glimlag
Begin weer jou lewe geniet
Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Kom glimlag
Begin weer jou lewe geniet
Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Kom binne, kom buite, kom plaas toe, kom stad
Kom hardloop, kom le rod, kom hou vas my hand
Kom warm, kom koud, kom eensaam, kom vas
Kom bakhand, kom vraend, kom tasse gepak
Kom heemwee, kom denkend, kom ouers verras
Kom leeg, kom vollop, kom geraamtes in die kas
Kom hier, kom net vinnig, kom een stuk, kom as
Kom deur, kom hientoe, kom hou vas my hand

Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Kom glimlag
Begin weer jou lewe geniet
Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Kom glimlag
Begin weer jou lewe geniet
Kom wonder
Kom werklik
Kom sterre verskiet
Maak geluk weer die tema van jou lied

Die tema van jou lied
Die tema van jou lied
Die tema van jou lied
Die tema van jou lied

Tuesday Tune: Pieniek vir twee

Ek sal nou alles, alles kan gee
Vir skadu onder die Perske Boom,
‘n Piekniek vir twee.

Hoe lyk jou middag
En waar wil jy wees?
Vertel van jou oorwinnings
Ek ken al die vrees.

Ons sal mos altyd weet
Of jy nou onthou of vergeet.
Maar iewers sal die antwoord lê
Of so het jy gesê.

Ek dink ons moet plaas toe gaan
Al stof in jou hare en sweet op jou wang
Ek sweer ek is lief vir jou.
En ek reken jy weet
Ek verlang net so bietjie na alles van ons twee.

En ons sal mos altyd weet
Of jy nou onthou of vergeet.
Maar iewers sal die antwoord lê
Of so het jy gesê.

Onthou jy daai oggend met die donderweer?
Jy’t vasgeklou aan my lyf
Ons was toe een.

Jou glimlag red lewens
Wel, myne beslis.

Ek wens ek kon verduidelik hoe baie ek jou mis.

En ons sal mos altyd weet
Of jy nou onthou of vergeet.
Maar iewers sal die antwoord lê
Of so het jy gesê.

So het jy gesê.

Ek sal nou alles, alles kan gee
Vir skadu onder die Perske Boom
‘n Piekniek vir twee.

Dear James

Dear James,

I am sitting at my office and I am thinking of you. It is your funeral today, now actually (it started 10 minutes ago), and I wanted to go, I really did, but I thought I’d pay my respect to you in my own way. So I went to the roof my office building and sat in the sun, soaking up the vitamin D, thinking of you and what you meant to me. I came back to my office and started typing this letter to you.

A week ago, the news broke that you had passed away. You passed away on the same day as Barbara. You know when they called the staff into the boardroom, I knew something was wrong and when they broke the news to everyone, my colleagues and I were all in shock. I remember I didn’t cry at the news, I think I was just relieved that her pain was over. Cancer is horrible. I got back to my office, called my Mom and told her the news. She was sad too, saying it isn’t right that someone so young should pass away.

After the call, I opened up my mails and saw I had an e-mail. The subject line immediately caught my eye: ‘James Small, rugby legend, dies’.

Now James, as you can imagine, after reading the headline, my eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t read the simple paragraph, which stated:

Legendary Springbok wing and Jonah Lomu’s living nightmare, James Small has died. Aged 50, Small is believed to have suffered a heart attack today while on the way to visit his daughter. Small had played 47 tests for the Springboks, including his crucial role in winning the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

How could it be?

Well, the first person I called was my Mom, and she asked why I was calling again… when I sobbed into the phone saying: “James Small died”. Maybe it was the shock of everything that just hit me, but I cried and I cried.

You know James, years ago, my Dad used to be a subscriber to Beeld, and when I realised, I liked you as a rugby player, I used to start collecting newspaper articles on you and that was around the time my brother Timothy started playing rugby for the Air Force. He used to buy Sports Illustrated, SA Rugby and FHM. By then I had bought a scrapbook and started pasting the articles in there, I raided Timothy’s rugby books. He never got irritated at the fact that every now and again a magazine would disappear.

All the posters of you in the You and Huisgenoot magazines were pasted on my walls. I idolised you. I used my pocket money to buy magazines like Fairlady, De Kat (yes, I loved that it had the first three letters of my name in the title), the Personality. Yes, that’s how far back the articles go. I still have a few magazines that featured you where they still advertised cigarettes.

You on the cover of De Kat. It was 1997 James and the magazine cost me R 8,40.

I have the photos of the shoot you did with Christina Storm. I remember being happy that you had found someone, cause I couldn’t stand Louie Fish. Anyways, I may have been slightly jealous of Christina, but you were 15 years older than me, so I didn’t mind. Anyways, I had school and varsity to focus on.

I remember when you debuted your ‘No Rules’ trademark, as well as your clothing line with Mr Price. My Mom still bought me a vest with your Red Indian tattoo on it. I always said I’d still go get that tattoo done one day. It was beautiful and it meant a lot to you.

Some of my scrapbook collection.

I remember getting the tape (yes, a tape, cause I didn’t have a CD player then) of your music collection that you released as present for Christmas and you opened my heart to new songs, which are still some of my favourites today. Thank you for that.

There used to be a Nino’s coffee shop in Midrand. You had a part in the franchise that time. My Mom used to work down the road from it and I remember her taking me there for lunch the one day. It is a memory that is so special to me.

James, you played for the Sharks, WP and the Lions, and where you went, I supported the team. Isn’t it crazy what one does for their favourite player?

I have another memory to share with you James.

My Mom had a boss named Veronica. Veronica was cool. She taught me how to study for exams, she sat me down and showed me how to make summaries of my work to learn it easier, because ‘learning like a parrot isn’t good Kathleen’, she said. One day Veronica was paging through a newspaper and saw the most awesome photo of you with your Harley Davidson. She phoned the newspaper and arranged for a original copy of the photo, which still cost her R 40 that time, to be delivered to her, which she gave me.

So, that photo was the best present ever… anyways, the Springboks were playing the All Blacks at Loftus once. Well, I think it was the All Blacks, I can’t really remember. Anyways, the Springboks had a training session that Friday afternoon/evening at Loftus Versveld. I heard about it and that’s when my sister-in-laws who were at my house for a braai, bundled me into the car so that we can go meet you. As we got to Loftus, the bus was leaving, but my sister, Lynette jumped out and asked if you were on it.

‘No,’ said the guy. ‘ He is in Joost’s combi. The red one,’ he said as he pointed the way.

We ran to the combi, and there Lynette asked André Snyman to sign the photo James. I tugged on her and said ‘it isn’t him!!’ in a loud whisper. ‘He is in the back’, I said pointing to you.

You sat forward, you smiled and I was speechless. My sister-in-law rambled on that I am Kathleen and I love you and can you please sign the photo for me.

You did sign the photo, and that James is my best memory. I got to meet you.

The photo you signed for me James.

After you retired from rugby, I kept updated with what you did, but I never took my liking of you any further James. I didn’t follow you on Twitter or look for you on Facebook. I suppose in a way, I grew up, I had to because a lot of things happened. Anyways, people used to call you the naughty boy of rugby, the rebel. You know what, I think I loved that about you. You didn’t follow the norm, or the rules, and that is why you, James, were my number one.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us, thank you for sharing your life with us and thank you for being MY legend.

I hope you find your peace in the yonder world… and I hope you meet up with my brother so that you two can talk about Rugby.

RIP James.

Some more sad news…

Today the staff were called in again… and somehow it was the news we expected. Barbara, our communications manager passed away earlier today. The feeling of numbness that washes over you… well it is unexplainable.

Barbara will be missed. She was always so kind to me, even if she sometimes thought that I was odd. Like me she loved her family fiercely, and we both have a nephew named Daniel. She spoke about her family often and always called her husband “skat”. My condolences go out to her husband, her family, our colleagues and friends.