Poetry and novels…

I penned down some thoughts… decided to put them online. Not sure if it is poetry or just the start of something bigger.

The words and photo are mine.

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Some thoughts…

So the other night I was watching “Say yes to the dress”, it’s a show where future brides go try on wedding dresses and when they find the one they say “yes to the dress”.

I like watching when there is nothing else to watch, but… this one bride reminded me of… me.

She said that growing up she never played “wedding”. You know little girls play house-house and well she never did.

Come to think of it… neither did I.

I never played house, I never invented a man to marry, and I never dreamt about getting married. I never “walked down the isle”.

I played with my Barbie and she was a career girl whi was always at the office. I had dolls, but I never played much with them. I remember having books and colouring in. I remember always being a shop owner and selling things. I remember re-labeling all our VHS movies cause I owned a video-shop. I remember sitting at my Mom’s dining room table using it as a desk with my computer and my “telephone” (a stapler with numbers on) chatting to clients regarding orders that they placed.

I remember writing… a lot. Little stories and lists. I remember creating names for my clients who wanted to meet with me. I remember writing news bulletins and reading them out like I was on TV. I remember watching movies over and over and acting them out.

Because my brothers were so much older than me, I spent most school holidays alone… I lived and liked my own company and I suppose that’s where I kept myself busy with my imagination. I didn’t have too many friends, but that was okay too cause it is all about quality not quantity anyways.

This woman then added that she wasn’t a person who believed in marriage but her fiancé made her change her mind. He showed her what a relationship was and that it could be fun. She changed her mind.

Interesting…

That comment made me think, and what she didn’t say was that sometimes someone comes along and gives you a “glimpse” of what it could be like. You know being with someone. You open up a bit and then things happen and after that “glimpse”, can a person go back to being alone again?

Well… I have had that “glimpse” and I am alone again, but I have come to the conclusion that what I had with Phil, was not love.

We never went on dates, we didn’t have phone calls, I wasn’t wooed. It wasn’t the usual getting to know a person kind of relationship. It was friendship where we chatted on WhatsApp, he came over to braai at my house, and well… there were benefits. It was a friendship where we saw each other naked often.

Yes all relationships start with friendships, but eventually it progresses. Our friendship would have never been more than that.

What I thought was love was actually me being in love with the idea of love. If that makes sense? So, it was for the best that I ended it when I did.

What we had was an impossible situation and I would have never been as important in his life as his ex-wife. (Please note I am not referring to the child here, the child should was always be number one, no matter what). I would have never been as important as the women he was friendly with online. They certainly outranked me.

Looking back now, I ignored the signs that showed me that it wouldn’t work. Yes, after the end of the friendship I was hurt about it all, hell the posts about the break up say it all. I was pissed off. However, the things that happened between us turned out to be a lesson.

That lesson being… that when you say you love someone… especially in an intimate way… you shouldn’t make them feel second best. You don’t make that person feel alone in the relationship. Ever. You also don’t give someone concert tickets that cost R 1k for their birthday. (A bit late now but I should have sold them and bought me something nice instead.)

As I said, I now realise I was in love with the idea of love. The idea that I could share intimate details with someone, that I could tell that person about my day, that I could share my experiences with that person, that that person would always be on my side and that I could show that person a part of me that I didn’t share with everyone.

Yes, I had strong feelings for Phil, but after thinking long and hard about it all… I now know that it wasn’t love.

It may have been infatuation and lust, but it certainly was not love.

It was nice having someone there for me, but I am a better person on my own without him.

So… I have decided that I am not counting him as my first love anymore. He was number three in the list of serious relationships and that’s it really. Nothing special to write home about.

My first love… still eludes me… but that’s okay too, if it is meant to be, it will be and maybe some people are meant to be focus on other things in life.

There are various kinds of love out there and eventually if it is meant to be I will find my happiness, be it with my job, a husband or just a child of my own. Life can be very surprising.

So yes, I didn’t play house, but that shaped me in who I am today… a witty, independent woman who is worthy of being wooed and worthy of so much more than she can think of.

Tuesday Tune: May I feel said he

may i feel said he
by e e cummings

may i feel said he
(i’ll squeal said she
just once said he)
it’s fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let’s go said he
not too far said she
what’s too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you’re willing said he
(but you’re killing said she

but it’s life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she

(tiptop said he
don’t stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you’re divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

_________

So instead of a song, I give you poetry. Tom Hiddleston knows how to give a woman goosebumps, good thing I like him so much.

A repeated cycle…

In a previous post, a long time ago, I identified a flaw in my relationship patterns. I was either the rebound… or the woman who was friend-zoned.

Well, I realise nothing has changed. Just look at how I took the backseat in my relationship with Phil.

Yes, I ended it. I ranted and raved here on my blog. I have been angry and sad and poetic. I suppose that I hoped he would have showed he cared. He never did and that was his choice.

He has moved on.

I haven’t.

I have been asked out but I have said no. I cannot fathom opening myself up to get hurt again.

Yes I know a first date isn’t a marriage proposal but I cannot fathom starting all over again… you know: What do you do for a living, what kind of movies do you like, what do you like reading, etcetera.

And then if it does get serious how do I let the man get as close to me again? How do I stand naked in front of him without being scared that my heart is going to be ripped into shreds?

I told my one friend my fears and he said:

“You deserve better than Phil. You are a all or nothing kinda girl. Red fiery hair and personality with a body to spend hours on and you are intelligent to boot. You are compassionate and passionate, spiritual yet eclectic, and you ooze sex appeal. What a dangerous combo.

Lucky is he that get to appreciate all of that and experience it.

You have so much to give, don’t do that to yourself. I felt like that after my divorce. It is not healthy. Remember what they say… one can only truly feel pain if one can only truly love. You love completely, you will find someone.”

It is always nice to have someone in your corner singing your praises.

But this reality is something that I have to deal with. The reality that I have to put myself out there again is terrifying and at this rate I’ll end up being 75 and all alone, surrounded by books, photos, my writings and memories.

Anyways, so the point of my post is… oh I forgot… I will give it some thought and get back to you on this and on that morbid note… I bid thee goodnight.

A poem…

I don’t write poetry but these words have been floating in my head since I saw this image online. I thought I’d share it and my poem.

___________

___________

An observation

Think about this picture,
because deep inside you know it’s true,
for when she finally stops fighting,
she moves on without you.

Her silence says it’s over,
it shouts “it will never be”,
it says “my eyes are finally open,
I can start to wander free.”

She knows she dodged a bullet,
by cutting all the ties,
she thanks God everyday,
when she looks up at the skies.

She knows that she is worthy,
of way more than you can give,
and has deleted your number,
so she can breathe and live.

She knows you underestimated her,
when it came to unsaid things,
you confided your thoughts in others,
because after all, she was just a fling.

There is no need to hide the fact,
that you have moved on,
she noticed all the Twitter posts,
and she will forever disappear and be gone.

You will always be her first love,
a special memory to hold close,
she lifts her shooter glass slowly,
swallows the contents and whispers “adios”.

(C) KATandherblog