Oh dear… I forgot to have children

I was really hurt the other day…

I was chatting to my one co-worker who’s little one was in hospital. I was saying to her the she didn’t need to come in because I would have done her work for her. As the manager I can do everyone’s work. So it isn’t like she’d be behind if she got back to the office. She said not to worry because her mom was at the hospital with the little one.

Another co-worker walked in and joined the conversation. She added that Mommy and Daddy should take time off from the little one and go away for the weekend. Apparently she and her husband do that often and leave her three kids with the nanny.

I was shocked cause my Mom and Dad never needed time off from their kids and if I have to have kids one day I wouldn’t do that. I added that having kids is a responsibility that you can’t just take a weekend off from.

This co-worker turned around and said: “Well you can’t give your opinion now can you? You don’t have children.”

I was taken aback.

Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about them. It isn’t like I forgot to have them. I just want to be settled before I do and excuse me for working on my career first.

Anyways, I helped raise three nephews and two nieces. I have over 15 kids in my Sunday School who I care for and just because I don’t have any kids of my own doesn’t mean that I don’t have motherly instincts.

I got up, walked out of the office and ignored that colleague since.

What my colleagues don’t know is that I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and I have been told by doctors that if I go off the pill one of two things will happen…

(1) I fall pregnant straight away; or

(2) I will never fall pregnant.

Now to me, at the age of 35… the clock is ticking. I might be childless one day… and obviously because I haven’t spoken about it to my colleagues it still doesn’t give the one the right to say that to me.

As a woman I am entitled to my opinion in a conversation.

I was telling my Mom about it and how hurt I was. She said not to be… and added that she was most probably a little jealous cause she and her husband weren’t as free as they wanted to be.

I have been considering certain options available to me… namely adoption and IVF. It’s something that I have been looking into, because I would like to have my own child one day. So by the time I am 37, and I haven’t met anyone that I’d like to settle down with, I’ll be able to make a proper decision. I know it is tough on your own but I could make it work. All I need is sperm.

Anyways, just needed to get that off my chest. Especially since that colleague phoned me on Wednesday and asked how I was, cause she hasn’t seen me around. Later the day she came to my office as well to ask if I was okay. Obviously she realised something was up. One day I’ll tell her how it hurt but for now, I’ll just blog about it.

Happy Friday everyone!

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The day the music died…

It has been a while… a little more than three years since Tim (Rugby Man) passed away. Now for those who don’t know, Tim was my big brother and one of my best friends. He was the music guru in my life and introduced me to so many different music genres, not to mention songs. When I used to to his house he always used to tell me to sit down and listen.

I’ll never forget the words he sang to me when I was about four or five:

“Close your eyes give me your hand, darling.
Can you hear my heart my heart beating?
Do you understand?
Do you feel the same?
Am I only dreaming?
Is this burning, an eternal flame?”

Or when I was in Varsity:

“Sy’s ‘n halleluja whitewash
Sy’s so kommin soos ‘n royal flush
Haar tjappies is nommerpas
Sy’s ‘n panelvan doubleclutch”

Or when I was graduating:

“Fly the ocean in a silver plane.
See the jungle when it’s wet with rain.
Just remember ‘til you’re home again,
You belong to me.”

Or the Christmas before he died:

“Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle
‘Mongst the new green leaves
There’s things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I’m leaking life faster
Then I’m leaking blood.”

Or the song he played at the pub:

“Tot die bitter end
Tot die son uitbrand
Tot die see opdroog
Anderkant die verste anderkant
Al staan ek alleen
Sal ek nooit gaan lê
Ek sal steeds hier staan
Vir jou die waarheid sê.”

Well, since Tim passed away I haven’t been into music as much. I got his whole music collection from the pub, over 75GB of music and there are some new favourite songs, but it’s not like I know what songs are on the Too 20. Wait… do they still have those radio shows?

Anyways, while I did enjoy listening sometimes, it’s not like I was googling lyrics or singing in the car. Many days there was complete silence. It felt like the music died…

Last year it started coming back. I started buying an iTunes voucher here and there to build up my collection of tunes. But that has proved to be expensive. Yes, the joy of owning an iPhone. **rolls eyes**

Slowly… the music continued its return to me. I even partook in Karaoke at our team building event, let’s just say “Achy Breaky Heart” will never be the same again.

When DSTV announced that premium subscribers could subscribe to JOOX and so could four of their family members, I was interested, but didn’t think I needed it.

I admit that I was wrong…

Since I have registered, I have downloaded approximately 260 songs to listen to offline and the only costs involved have been the data costs. **Big smile**

JOOX also has a streaming service and radio stations that you can listen to. But I have yet to play around on that.

Since I registered, I have slowly started finding my joy. With every song I have download, I listen to the lyrics and search for the meaning behind them. I am starting to sing with again, and I have been putting on my headphones at the office, something I haven’t done in a very long time.

Tim would have enjoyed this app… and that makes me happy. I just hope to continue finding awesome songs.

Like this one:

“Ek lê my wapens neer
Vanaand vir die eerste keer
Sien ek myself in jou oë
Ek het hierdie oorlog verloor
Ek staar na die bloed op my hande
Ek weet ek het verander
Jy dink ek praat net weer
Ek het jou lief
Ek sweer.”

And this one:

“Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you
Friends can break your heart too
And I’m always tired but never of you
When love and trust are gone
I guess this is moving on.”

Or this one:

“We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow
The hammer of the gods.”

Or:

“Don’t wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won’t even let the sunlight in.”

Or:

“There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Fernando.”

That’s all from me. I have been up since 04:00 this morning… been typing up a storm.

Enjoy your Human Rights day today.

I’m broken…

I don’t know myself anymore. I never thought I’d be affected by the breakup as much as I have. I fucked around and got attached to this man and at times I feel like I cannot breathe. I broke my own rules. But, it is my own fault. When it all started, I wasn’t planning on falling. But, I did and now I feel like I am broken and I hate this feeling.

I realised on Sunday, that I need to do something about it, especially when I started crying and couldn’t stop. That was totally out of character and it lasted most of the day. I was eventually so hysterical and no one could calm me.

I think it was built up grief. I was mourning something that was pretty awesome while it lasted, but I also mourned for the fact that while this man was a priority in my life, I was only an option in his… because not matter how you look at it… I was only an option… one of many options. Like I said before, I was just the “weekend special” that NO ONE KNEW ABOUT. Every Candy, Sandy, Mandy and Sally (who follows him on Twitter) knew about his problems, except me (*see footnote). I am pretty sure that he NEVER thought of mentioning me to that Candy, Sandy, Mandy and Sally, cause I was not important enough. I was just the girl he fucked on the sideline who let him spend Christmas at her house so that he wouldn’t be alone. But, I do understand that if he did mention me, they wouldn’t have been so interested in him.

Anyways…

I admit that I am not coping at all. As I said above, I am doing things which is not in my character to do, like this previous post. Before, I would never just type something and then publish it. But, let me give you the back story…

I was on Twitter and decided to unblock him, I thought I was ready. I saw him put up pics from the beer garden. Nice, he went to the concert and he would be sitting in the beer garden all day. That was so him. I was happy for him.

While browsing, I found Meryl’s profile. Meryl is the lady who he took out for drink, a few weeks after we started this fling and the one who he was helping with a case or other. Remember I said before that he is in the “saving” game. He needs to save people, especially vulnerable “women” like Meryl. Anyways, while browsing, Meryl said she was at the concert too. She posted around the same time he did.

Interesting.

Then later that day, other people were tagged in posts and that is when I realised, he must have taken her, cause they seemed to be together, speaking to the same people. Even the one concert photo take was from the same spot.

My anger took over. It felt like I was stabbed in the heart and while he stabbed me, he twisted the knife and betrayal was all I felt, because he was with the same woman who he took out for drinks. By doing that he made me feel VERY INSECURE about myself because I thought that’s the kind of woman he wanted. A mature woman with way more experience in life than I had. He made me feel like I was not good enough, well that happened more than once. But that day he made me feel so insignificant… I’ll never forget it.

I should not have cared about any of this, but I did, I still do, I suppose.

I have “emptied” my twitter profile and I have decided not to go back. I have also deleted the app from my phone, because it is too much effort to log in from anywhere else. That chapter is OVER.

Right…. so after promising myself I would not contact him again, I did.

Yes, I can see you shaking your head, because, I never learn do I? I ALWAYS OPEN MYSELF UP FOR HURT.

I sent him a message on WhatsApp. The message read:

Hi there, 

I know I have been out of your life for two months now, but I just want to ask something and I’d appreciate an honest answer. I suppose if you don’t want to answer I cannot force you to, but I need to clarify this for my overthinking brain.

So, here is my question: Did you take Meryl to the concert with you on Saturday? Just a “yes” or “no” will suffice.’

I know… I should have NEVER done that. Anyways, he never replied and rightly so. But silence is also an answer. Actually silence says a lot.

So last night I sent another message:

Thanks for not replying to my message. I’ll leave you be and I won’t bother you again.

After that message, I realised how crazy I had become.

Who am I?

I have turned into a crazy chick, who is lately very unsure of herself. A weepy bundle of nerves who gets angry at everyone and a chick who takes every comment as a personal attack on me. This not who I want to be anymore, because I know that once I lose myself, I will never be the same person I was before this whole episode.

It is a sad situation, because before all this, I was an awesome chick who was self-confident and could handle everything thrown at her, with fire in her soul. I never needed any recognition from anyone, let alone a man. So, how did I let him get so under my skin?

I took another step and I blocked him on WhatsApp.

This block will stay in place until I know I am not “broken” anymore.

I need to move on, because I should be my own priority, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I may not be very important to him, but to other people in my life, I am, and they need me. They need me more than he does, because he seems to be coping fine on his own.

After all this, the lesson I have learnt is that I will NEVER fall as hard as I did with this relationship. I will not lose myself in another person, because, I don’t think I’ll survive another major heartache. I will also not make another person my priority when I am only their option.

So….

This is my farewell, to the craziness that has been in my head for the last two months. The window has closed and I am done.

And to tie in with my theme of being broken, here is something I haven’t heard in a very long time….

 

Broken
Seether ft Amy Lee
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I want to hold you high, and steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I want to hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore
________________________
* I never pushed him to tell me things, or to open up to me. If he wanted to tell me ANYTHING, he would do so in his own time. I thought I was very accommodating by doing that. No pushing. No pressing. He could trust me. However, it seems I was on the wrong track after all.

And so it is…

Not shot but stabbed… you took the knife and stabbed me… while stabbing me you twisted it around.

Thanks for that.

PS. I hope you see this and know that you fucking hurt me… again. This is worse than what you did to me in December. No “apology” is going to make it better. Nothing you say will make me understand. All I know is that I should have NEVER gotten involved with you in the first place.

I am so disappointed in you. I am disappointed in myself and I hate that you made me feel that way.

Btw, happy birthday for yesterday!

Oh and you could have at least said thank you for the tickets that you and your “friend” used… especially since I paid for them.

That window period is closing…

“Isn’t that concert on Saturday?”

(The Rock on the Lawns concert is on Saturday in Johannesburg. This is the concert that features The Cure. Remember I mentioned it here, here and here?)

“Yes,” I replied to my friend as we were driving home.

“You haven’t heard from him?”

“No,” I said in reply.

“The one opportunity he had, he has missed, and the window period is closing,” she said shaking her head.

“What do you mean?” I asked being pulled out of my thoughts,

“I was hoping he would call and ask you to go with him, and then you two would have realised that you missed one another and would get back together.”

“Life isn’t a movie,” I answered, “because that only happens in the movies, besides why would you want to spend the day with an ex-girlfriend?” [Although I wanted to add FWB.]

“But you two were great together. I really thought he was brighter than most men, it seems not,” she said shaking her head again.

She continued: “I feel sorry for him, he let something good go, but I get the feeling he is being influenced from a third party.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

Maybe she was right… maybe that’s why I gave him the tickets (read the post here). Maybe I was hoping he would reach out, maybe that’s why I was so hurt about the tweet earlier this month (read the post here) but as I have hurt him, so he has hurt me, it is a vicious circle and that is why I blocked him in the first place… because I could not take the hurt anymore.

But… I didn’t block him from WhatsApp… and last week I saw this on his status:

The Status: This User needs a +1 to The Cure

I didn’t reply. I didn’t say anything. I just went on with my life, knowing that the tickets I spent my hard-earned cash (*see footnote) on was being advertised that way.

I was asked by my Mom why I gave Phil the tickets. Well… I wanted Phil to have them so that he could experience(**see footnote) something special. The idea was that I was going to experience it with him, but alas… I was planning for months and even told an acquaintance at the club about it and all my co-workers. I was so excited to give it to him. I suppose I was trying to do good, because I felt he needed a bit of time to be spoilt and just get lost in the music, especially since he had gone through a rough time in December. I suppose it was just never meant to be. Somewhere in all that my Mom said that I was a good person, adding that I was better than her, she would have kept the tickets, birthday present or not.

Anyways, I have to live through reminders of the fact that the concert is on Saturday. The programme was posted on Twitter at the end of Feb (see below) so I unfollowed the events company, but I am sure it changed due to the changes in time. It was advertised on TV last night, and for the last two days Computicket has sent messages pertaining to the event, which I forward to Phil.

On the 15th it will be two months (since the break up) and in that time, Phil could have contacted me. He didn’t. Even though I wrote: “I hope you find what you are looking for”. The window was always there. It was a matter for us both to swallow our pride and stubbornness and send that first message, which wasn’t a meme or silly joke, but a “can we maybe talk?” message.

Like my friend said: “That window period is closing and once it is closed, I know you will move on. No matter what he does then, he won’t be able to come back.”

She is right about that. After all, after the concert I have no reason to be in contact with him again.

So to end of this post, here is your “Tuesday Tune” on a Wednesday by one of my favourite artists who will be performing on Saturday.

Aeroplane Jane
Karen Zoid

We’ll say goodbye, I boarded at gate 9
You phoned again, while I stood there in the line
She gave me a hand and showed me to my seat
Alas, woe is to me, no place for my feat

Quietly I go insane in this lonely aeroplane
Everybody looks the same on this lonely aeroplane
And the strange man next to me, don’t excuse me when he sneeze
Someone come and save me please, I think that he just cut the cheese

You’re a million miles away and I miss you so today
Silently I go insane in this lonely
Aeroplane Jane, Aeroplane Jane
Aeroplane Jane’s gone insane

As I lose my sense of reality
You are still my only memory
As I lose a
As I lose a sense of reality
As I lose a
As I lose a sense of
‘Cause I’m about to go insane
On this lonely aeroplane
Everybody looks the same
On a lonely aeroplane
And the in-flight magazine advertise washing machines
All your clothing stays pristine when you wash with a machine

You’re a million miles away and I miss you so today
Silently I go insane in this lonely
Aeroplane Jane, Aeroplane Jane
Aeroplane Jane’s gone insane

Serve the coffee and the tea
Same man don’t say thank you, don’t say please
You’re a million miles away and I miss you so today
Quietly I go insane in this lonely aeroplane
You’re a million miles away and I miss you so today
Quietly I go insane in this lonely aeroplane

____________________

*I live from payday to payday and I am the only breadwinner in the house, I don’t just have money to throw around on luxuries, so that status message did hurt. R 1 000 doesn’t sound like a lot but I budgeted for months, for something that I am not going to even enjoy. I was told that I should have requested the money for the one ticket I gave him. Why should someone else have the luxury of going to a concert with a ticket I paid for? Well, I know he doesn’t have that kind of cash either, so why bother?

**Making memories. Come to think of it if my brother, Timothy, was still around I wouldn’t have given the tickets to Phil. I would have had someone to go with, but my music person is gone. Anyways I just wanted a good memory to take with me when I depart this world one day. That’s what life is about… memories.